Last week I was sitting at a restaurant bar with C, both of us hovered over a plate of the most decadent grilled prawns, when it hit me that there was nothing in my life I wanted to run away from. It was one of those exchanges where I spoke the words and only realized their weight after they’d left my mouth.
This was a huge realization for a person (that’s me) who at times in the last few years has thought my body and soul might vacate the skin-container I inhabit out of panic and plain old misery.
As of last week I am in my mid-30s. There is no more plausibly hanging on to my “early 30s.” On one hand, oh my dear god. On the other, I hold my small life and all my minute victories up like Olympic medals. I am proud of the wisps of wisdom I can claim, and all the more because I am evidently so slow a learner. Abstraction and nonsense is all I have for you, the Internet, my fellow snack fiends. Can you trust me when I say it could have turned out very differently? And yet here I am living a life that is all mine? That I got to where I am now without ever cracking open any Eckhart Tolle or finishing the Brene Brown Netflix special feels like a separate, not insignificant victory.
Other victories: except for this past week when I got spoiled by friends for my birthday I’ve been cooking a fair amount. Lots of Chinese food, even lots of vegetarian Chinese food. I was nearly moved to make dumplings a few weeks ago but am honing my ability to listen to my deeper, knowing self instead of my vain, greedy self while I roam grocery store aisles. My gut said I had enough energy for Chinese chives with scrambled eggs and NOT enough energy for Chinese chives in dumplings. I shudder thinking about all the wasted groceries I’ve bought in an aspirational leap when I’d have been better served by keeping my feet on the damn ground.
I also tried steaming eggplant for the first time. It was melty in a very good way, and tasty too. When I closed my eyes I could imagine I was eating steamed fish. The recipe for that, a real winner, came from Fuschia Dunlop. I’d consulted my Irene Kuo but I kid you not just about every single one of her several dozen vegetable recipes called for dried Chinese ham, dried shrimp, oyster sauce, or ground pork to provide the base of the dish’s flavor. Vegetarian food for meat eaters!
Another fun surprise from my veg spree? Cold blanched lotus root with vinegar and blazing hot tiny chilies makes a terrific snack.
I’m getting better at it. I’ve got two or three trusty menus for vegetarian Chinese dinners (meaning: three to four dishes served family style), but I’d like to make that a solid half dozen menus. A hearty, satisfying vegetarian Chinese feast is possible, I know it is. More soon, I hope.
That’s all from your mid-30s snack reviewer.